Britney, Jen and Things with 8 Legs – Men are Dumb

Written by Jeff Roney. Originally posted on April 28, 2010

Britney, Jen and Things with 8 Legs

spideronwomans face

When a guy hears the famous scream “There’s a huge spider in the bathroom!” he runs in with a welding mask, Kevlar vest and a paintball gun to destroy this “humongous” beast that is threatening his honey. Turns out, it’s some no-name teeny spider crawling along minding its own business. Most guys respond the same way – “That’s not a huge spider”. After that, his honey yells “Get it!”

giant-spider-screaming-woman

Get it.

What does that mean? Do I trap and release it in the wild? If I don’t take the spider far enough away from the house, will it find its way back and know where to hide better next time? Should I blindfold the spider? How many eyes does a spider have? Do I need to use one blindfold for each eye? Do I have to treat the captured spider like a POW? Do I have to offer it food and water while I transport it to its new home? Will I appear before an insect tribunal if I mistreat the spider? So much to think about.

That doesn’t make much sense. Wait. Do you think she meant “Kill it!” without saying the word ‘kill’? Hmmmmm, so ‘get’ means ‘kill’. Got it. Woman translation issue.

So I go in, armed with a rolled up magazine and start to swing…

“Stop!!!!” she yells.

“What?” I ask.

“Don’t use that magazine!”

“What’s wrong with using the [unrolling to see the cover] ‘Will
Jennifer Anniston ever find love?’ issue?”

jennifer-aniston-sad-1

“I was saving it!”

“Saving it?”

“Yeah, use the ‘Britney Breaks Down Again,’ magazine. Here [hands me the other issue]. Hurry, get the spider!”
“Honey, I love you with every fiber of my being, but I can’t believe I’m having a discussion with you about which magazine to use to kill a spider with.”

“I don’t want spider guts on Jen’s face”

“But Britney’s face is okay for the spider guts?”

britney-crazy

“Yes, kill the spider! Hurry!”

“What if Britney cleans up her act, has a great album, and becomes a star again?”

“No. She’ll probably get mad at Kevin for forgetting to send a child support check, then call Paris and ask her to go out partying, forgetting to wear her underwear again. Brit Brit gets the spider guts. Kill it!!!!”

Britney Spears became the spider killer – Jennifer Anniston was spared. You’re welcome, Jen.

Jennifer-Aniston-08

I also want to discuss the eye problems women have. I’m not sure how it happens, but the “huge” spider they are afraid of gets much smaller by the time the guy walks in. Why is that? Don’t know.

bigspider

Insects fear men.

It’s true, because men are lazy mad scientists. Men will rarely go to a store and buy the proper spray for a particular pest. They will be “creative” with their pest control. Men will use anything under the kitchen sink to get rid of bugs. I’m serious.

Jeff's "Go To Insect Spray When There Isn't The Right Insect Spray To Go To" Spray

Jeff’s “Go To Insect Spray When There Isn’t The Right Insect Spray To Go To” Spray

Another story about me, my wife and an insect (Wasp actually).

EuropeanPaperWasp_WEB

My wife (who was my girlfriend at the time) and I went into her apartment one day and a wasp decided to fly in and join us. No knock-knock. No “Could I join you both for a little ‘Hide and Sting’ party?” Nothing.

My wife sees the wasp, and runs into the bathroom and slams the door.

It took a second, but I realized that its just me and a wasp – alone in her front room. I don’t want to go near the wasp, so I say to my girlfriend (Who will be my wife if I survived this) “I hope you’re okay in the bathroom safe and sound. What do you want me to do with the wasp?”

The classic response came, “Get it!”

Now, we’ve discussed that already, so I responded, “How? Verbal abuse?”

“I don’t know, just get it!”, she yelled. I could tell the wasp was getting bored with our exchange.

“Do you have any hairspray in there?” I asked my wife (still in the bathroom, I might add).

“Noooooo……” she says, as if I should know the answer already.

“No? Didn’t you ladies have any left over from the 80’s?”

With a sigh she responded, “Let me check.”

“Okay, I’ll just make some tea, then” I replied. The wasp shakes his little wasp head at the exchange.

“Here!” She opens the door and throws it out onto the floor outside the door.

“Couldn’t you hand it to me?” I ask, a trifle irritated.

“No, the wasp might get in here.”

I crept up and picked up the hairspray bottle. It was a pump spray bottle.

Pump spray bottle.

I pressed on the pump button to spray it, and it wouldn’t spray.

I was Pump Spray-less man with a wasp overhead and a girlfriend in the bathroom.

I could have left, but then I would have never lived to create this fantastical blog.

The wasp flew over my head and into her bedroom.

I shut the bedroom door. Ta da! I have captured the wasp.

I proudly announced, “Honey, you can come out now!”

She cracked the door a bit, “Did you get it?”

“Better than that. I trapped it!” I was so proud of myself at that moment.

“Trapped it??? Where?”

“In your bedroom.” Again, a proud moment for me.

“My what!?!?!?!” Her shout was so loud the wasp must have winced his little wasp face at the roaring voice.

“You’re, bed…”

The realization of my faux pas was starting to sink in. I realized that I made a bad situation far worse. The wasp that was in the front room was now in one of the more revered places in a woman’s abode – her bedroom. That’s where undergarments are. Ya know, undergarments. See, I thought it was good that there was a door between us and the wasp, but now the wasp was in the room with the undergarments. That was bad – very bad.

“…room.”

It didn’t take long.

“You go in there and kill that wasp! You don’t know where it is now. It could be anywhere!!! (I knew where she meant when she said ‘anywhere’. It could have crawled in and tried on the undergarments.) GO GET IT!”

I quickly ran the spray bottle under the hot water in the kitchen, got it to spray, and walked back to the bedroom door and opened it. I swear – the wasp waved at me. He and I had some non-verbal communication through the crack in the door, then I walked in.

I sent this message to the wasp on a “Wasp Only” channel so he would understand “This is my girlfriend’s bedroom, and I am defending her undergarments drawer from you!”

The wasp flew toward me, and I gave it a good spray. He looked at his thorax and it was shiny. “Cool, kinda like a car wax for my butt. I’m getting this human, now!”, the wasp said (in a wasp voice).

wasptowardyou

I found a magazine with a star that had no hope of ever reviving their career and sprayed the wasp again on the next pass. It was a fatal hit and as the wasp began to fall to the ground, I swatted it mightily (well, as good as I could muster) with a Daniel Baldwin US Weekly issue.

A moment of silence for the wasp with the shiny hiney.

deadwasp

He is no more and I married the scared, beautiful lady that was hiding in the bathroom. All was well, until one of his descendants find their way in our home.

The Differences Between Shopping Like a Man or a Woman – Part 2

explaining-differences-between-men-and-women-when-it-comes-to-shopping-2

In case you haven’t read Part One of this post, here it is.

In a women’s clothing section, there is a chair. That is – the man’s chair. It is a very pitiful sight, because the man who sits there has ran through the thousands of possible ways to pass the time, while the zombie wanders in the clothes section. He has already;

1. Played all the preview video games, and beat all the high scores, and trash talked the kids that played before him, “Yeah, you’re not the Dragon King now, are you? Uh Uh. I am. That’s right.”,

gaming-guys-05-25-2012

2. Acted like an employee of the store and misdirected people who ask for directions,

3. Found the hack code to use the “info” phones and make announcements over the store intercom, “Today is “Don’t use your Smart phone in the store” day, because we want you to focus on our annoying ads,” “Today is “Don’t yell at your man because he leaves his socks in the front room floor” day. Dr. Phil said so,” and “If we hear your kids crying, you will pay double for everything,”

4. Turned up all the radios in the electronics section loud to different stations, and danced around crazily,

5. Went into all the bathroom stalls in the men’s room, lock the stall doors, and crawl out underneath them. Note: Some men will have a hard time doing this (The getting back out underneath part),

6. Told people the endings of the books they pick up to buy, then duck when they throw them,

7. Found and put on a scary masks and jumped up behind the kid photographer taking a picture, making the kid’s cry,

8. Went to the food counter, and took an inordinate amount of time choosing what to buy, then ask very specific questions, “When was the last time you cleaned the grill? With what may I ask? What was the expiration date on that spray? Is that blue slurpee drink from the waters of the Avatar planet? Really? What if this is all a simulation, and that drink is real? Hmm?”

I could keep going, but some guys just give up and go to “the chair,” and hunker down for a long day. He could go to sleep, but then kids would write on his face with mascara, and that would be bad.

I had heard that a group of men wanted to introduce a Bill stating that as long as a man had to wait for a woman to “shop,” they could go into the electronics section and watch anything on the wide screen TV.

Yes, I mean anything.

The Bill never made it past the first vote.

In conclusion, Women and Men both do handle the act of shopping differently. I have just been handed a reminder that men wander in the tool section for hours. I need to investigate if this is because their wives are wandering around in the clothing section. Let me get back to you on that. 😉