My 10 Favorite Video Games – Part 2 – Men are Dumb

We continue my list of my Top 10 Favorite Video Games. If you missed Part 1, the link is HERE

5. Tomb Raider 2 (Playstation)

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I loved the original Tomb Raider, but the enhancements added to Tomb Raider 2 made it so much more to play. The expansive, globe trotting mission to retrieve a magical dagger and kill a dragon is enough to hook you, but there is so much more. The Great Wall of China, Venice, Offshore rig, Tibet, etc. This is a huge game. It is tough with time traps, spikes, spinning blades, bad doggies, bad guys, and a dragon. This wasn’t Xbox360, but for its time (and still today, actually) it is a classic. The games moved away from tomb raiding, but this was Tomb Raider at its best. I really enjoyed the Venice Violins music that you can play in Lara Mansion as you explore.

Listen to the Venice Violins here:

Venice Violins by Nathan McCree on Grooveshark

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My 10 Favorite Video Games – Part 1 – Men are Dumb

Video games. It’s what people do when they should be; working out, calling their Mom, going to work, whatever. I haven’t owned every platform, but I have compiled my 10 favorite video games (Even though I list them from 10 to 1, sometimes I re-arrange the order myself).

10. Bioshock

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The spookiest, most atmospheric, fun game ever. Creepy splicers chasing you, weird dentists that I hope aren’t on my dental plan, Big Daddies, amazing plasmids and choices that rule/change the outcome. Two more things; The smoke and lighting effects are incredible, but the most spooky aspect of this game (for me) is the classic ‘old-timey’ music being played on other-worldly speakers throughout the game. Don’t ask me about the 2 or Infinite – the original is still the best.

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Britney, Jen and Things with 8 Legs – Men are Dumb

Written by Jeff Roney. Originally posted on April 28, 2010

Britney, Jen and Things with 8 Legs

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When a guy hears the famous scream “There’s a huge spider in the bathroom!” he runs in with a welding mask, Kevlar vest and a paintball gun to destroy this “humongous” beast that is threatening his honey. Turns out, it’s some no-name teeny spider crawling along minding its own business. Most guys respond the same way – “That’s not a huge spider”. After that, his honey yells “Get it!”

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Get it.

What does that mean? Do I trap and release it in the wild? If I don’t take the spider far enough away from the house, will it find its way back and know where to hide better next time? Should I blindfold the spider? How many eyes does a spider have? Do I need to use one blindfold for each eye? Do I have to treat the captured spider like a POW? Do I have to offer it food and water while I transport it to its new home? Will I appear before an insect tribunal if I mistreat the spider? So much to think about.

That doesn’t make much sense. Wait. Do you think she meant “Kill it!” without saying the word ‘kill’? Hmmmmm, so ‘get’ means ‘kill’. Got it. Woman translation issue.

So I go in, armed with a rolled up magazine and start to swing…

“Stop!!!!” she yells.

“What?” I ask.

“Don’t use that magazine!”

“What’s wrong with using the [unrolling to see the cover] ‘Will
Jennifer Anniston ever find love?’ issue?”

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“I was saving it!”

“Saving it?”

“Yeah, use the ‘Britney Breaks Down Again,’ magazine. Here [hands me the other issue]. Hurry, get the spider!”
“Honey, I love you with every fiber of my being, but I can’t believe I’m having a discussion with you about which magazine to use to kill a spider with.”

“I don’t want spider guts on Jen’s face”

“But Britney’s face is okay for the spider guts?”

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“Yes, kill the spider! Hurry!”

“What if Britney cleans up her act, has a great album, and becomes a star again?”

“No. She’ll probably get mad at Kevin for forgetting to send a child support check, then call Paris and ask her to go out partying, forgetting to wear her underwear again. Brit Brit gets the spider guts. Kill it!!!!”

Britney Spears became the spider killer – Jennifer Anniston was spared. You’re welcome, Jen.

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I also want to discuss the eye problems women have. I’m not sure how it happens, but the “huge” spider they are afraid of gets much smaller by the time the guy walks in. Why is that? Don’t know.

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Insects fear men.

It’s true, because men are lazy mad scientists. Men will rarely go to a store and buy the proper spray for a particular pest. They will be “creative” with their pest control. Men will use anything under the kitchen sink to get rid of bugs. I’m serious.

Jeff's "Go To Insect Spray When There Isn't The Right Insect Spray To Go To" Spray

Jeff’s “Go To Insect Spray When There Isn’t The Right Insect Spray To Go To” Spray

Another story about me, my wife and an insect (Wasp actually).

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My wife (who was my girlfriend at the time) and I went into her apartment one day and a wasp decided to fly in and join us. No knock-knock. No “Could I join you both for a little ‘Hide and Sting’ party?” Nothing.

My wife sees the wasp, and runs into the bathroom and slams the door.

It took a second, but I realized that its just me and a wasp – alone in her front room. I don’t want to go near the wasp, so I say to my girlfriend (Who will be my wife if I survived this) “I hope you’re okay in the bathroom safe and sound. What do you want me to do with the wasp?”

The classic response came, “Get it!”

Now, we’ve discussed that already, so I responded, “How? Verbal abuse?”

“I don’t know, just get it!”, she yelled. I could tell the wasp was getting bored with our exchange.

“Do you have any hairspray in there?” I asked my wife (still in the bathroom, I might add).

“Noooooo……” she says, as if I should know the answer already.

“No? Didn’t you ladies have any left over from the 80’s?”

With a sigh she responded, “Let me check.”

“Okay, I’ll just make some tea, then” I replied. The wasp shakes his little wasp head at the exchange.

“Here!” She opens the door and throws it out onto the floor outside the door.

“Couldn’t you hand it to me?” I ask, a trifle irritated.

“No, the wasp might get in here.”

I crept up and picked up the hairspray bottle. It was a pump spray bottle.

Pump spray bottle.

I pressed on the pump button to spray it, and it wouldn’t spray.

I was Pump Spray-less man with a wasp overhead and a girlfriend in the bathroom.

I could have left, but then I would have never lived to create this fantastical blog.

The wasp flew over my head and into her bedroom.

I shut the bedroom door. Ta da! I have captured the wasp.

I proudly announced, “Honey, you can come out now!”

She cracked the door a bit, “Did you get it?”

“Better than that. I trapped it!” I was so proud of myself at that moment.

“Trapped it??? Where?”

“In your bedroom.” Again, a proud moment for me.

“My what!?!?!?!” Her shout was so loud the wasp must have winced his little wasp face at the roaring voice.

“You’re, bed…”

The realization of my faux pas was starting to sink in. I realized that I made a bad situation far worse. The wasp that was in the front room was now in one of the more revered places in a woman’s abode – her bedroom. That’s where undergarments are. Ya know, undergarments. See, I thought it was good that there was a door between us and the wasp, but now the wasp was in the room with the undergarments. That was bad – very bad.

“…room.”

It didn’t take long.

“You go in there and kill that wasp! You don’t know where it is now. It could be anywhere!!! (I knew where she meant when she said ‘anywhere’. It could have crawled in and tried on the undergarments.) GO GET IT!”

I quickly ran the spray bottle under the hot water in the kitchen, got it to spray, and walked back to the bedroom door and opened it. I swear – the wasp waved at me. He and I had some non-verbal communication through the crack in the door, then I walked in.

I sent this message to the wasp on a “Wasp Only” channel so he would understand “This is my girlfriend’s bedroom, and I am defending her undergarments drawer from you!”

The wasp flew toward me, and I gave it a good spray. He looked at his thorax and it was shiny. “Cool, kinda like a car wax for my butt. I’m getting this human, now!”, the wasp said (in a wasp voice).

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I found a magazine with a star that had no hope of ever reviving their career and sprayed the wasp again on the next pass. It was a fatal hit and as the wasp began to fall to the ground, I swatted it mightily (well, as good as I could muster) with a Daniel Baldwin US Weekly issue.

A moment of silence for the wasp with the shiny hiney.

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He is no more and I married the scared, beautiful lady that was hiding in the bathroom. All was well, until one of his descendants find their way in our home.

See ‘Spy Kid’ Alexa Vega all grown up in Machete Kills

I’m a Robert Rodriquez fan from way back, and one of his franchises was “Spy Kids” featuring Alexa Vega as the sister spy always being annoyed by her brother and the bad guys, too.

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You remember Spy Kids, don’t you? Maybe this video trailer will help jog your memory.

That was Alexa Vega then, but wait til you see her now

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How to Buy the Right Engagement Gift for the Guy – A Guide for the Ladies

Last week we discussed How to Buy the Right Engagement Ring, but let’s discuss the gift for the Guy.

What gift for the Guy, you ask?

Women respond – “It doesn’t happen that way!” some (Okay, all women) might (will) say. “The guy gives his betrothed a ring, she says Yes (hopefully), and that’s it”.

Well, no – that shouldn’t be it.

I am proposing a gift that will show the love the lady has for her man back to him after he gives her the ring.

Women respond – “That’s too much to ask for us to give a gift back! What about a watch?”

No – not a watch.

We are proposing something that guys can show other men how much their ladies’ love them. The other guys will Oo and Ahh over their gift, just like the ladies do, except it isn’t a piece a jewelry – it is something with more emotion and feeling attached to it. We have chosen something that follows a similar 5 C pattern, too.

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How to Choose the Right Engagement Ring – A Guide for Dumb Guys

When a guy finds a woman that will put up with – I mean, love him, most guys move to the next step – a separate Facebook account for “fun”. I’m KIDDING! I meant marriage, but not so fast ladies, as you know there are a multitude of steps between deciding to get married and actually getting married. We will focus on on this in the process this time – The Engagement Ring.

biggest diamond ring ever

Ok, maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but Engagement Rings do strange things to people;

For guys it drains their bank accounts,

For gals like – Miley Cyrus, for example it changed her from this –

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to this

1881MileySpikey

this

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or this

ffn_cyrus_mileyspikeheelsrev

Anyway, be careful guys, you never know what an Engagement Ring can do, and yes I’d love for her gas pumping outfit to catch on. Ladies? Huh? It could be great! 🙂

Ok, back to choosing the right Engagement Ring…

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The initial step is to gather information. Don’t worry, it can be fun…

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The Differences Between Shopping Like a Man or a Woman – Part 2

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In case you haven’t read Part One of this post, here it is.

In a women’s clothing section, there is a chair. That is – the man’s chair. It is a very pitiful sight, because the man who sits there has ran through the thousands of possible ways to pass the time, while the zombie wanders in the clothes section. He has already;

1. Played all the preview video games, and beat all the high scores, and trash talked the kids that played before him, “Yeah, you’re not the Dragon King now, are you? Uh Uh. I am. That’s right.”,

gaming-guys-05-25-2012

2. Acted like an employee of the store and misdirected people who ask for directions,

3. Found the hack code to use the “info” phones and make announcements over the store intercom, “Today is “Don’t use your Smart phone in the store” day, because we want you to focus on our annoying ads,” “Today is “Don’t yell at your man because he leaves his socks in the front room floor” day. Dr. Phil said so,” and “If we hear your kids crying, you will pay double for everything,”

4. Turned up all the radios in the electronics section loud to different stations, and danced around crazily,

5. Went into all the bathroom stalls in the men’s room, lock the stall doors, and crawl out underneath them. Note: Some men will have a hard time doing this (The getting back out underneath part),

6. Told people the endings of the books they pick up to buy, then duck when they throw them,

7. Found and put on a scary masks and jumped up behind the kid photographer taking a picture, making the kid’s cry,

8. Went to the food counter, and took an inordinate amount of time choosing what to buy, then ask very specific questions, “When was the last time you cleaned the grill? With what may I ask? What was the expiration date on that spray? Is that blue slurpee drink from the waters of the Avatar planet? Really? What if this is all a simulation, and that drink is real? Hmm?”

I could keep going, but some guys just give up and go to “the chair,” and hunker down for a long day. He could go to sleep, but then kids would write on his face with mascara, and that would be bad.

I had heard that a group of men wanted to introduce a Bill stating that as long as a man had to wait for a woman to “shop,” they could go into the electronics section and watch anything on the wide screen TV.

Yes, I mean anything.

The Bill never made it past the first vote.

In conclusion, Women and Men both do handle the act of shopping differently. I have just been handed a reminder that men wander in the tool section for hours. I need to investigate if this is because their wives are wandering around in the clothing section. Let me get back to you on that. 😉

The Differences Between Shopping Like a Man or a Woman – Part 1

Lrg_WomenShopping

Shopping

In general, Shopping is an event, especially on Christmas or on the way to a party that you should have bought something earlier. Anyway, shopping. It seems very simple, really. Going to a store to get something you need or want in exchange for money. Yup, it looks simple on paper, but nothing could be more difficult.

There are many differences between Shopping like a Man or a Woman.

Men contemplate their purchases for hours (before they get to the store), replaying the moment of purchase over and over in their heads. Grabbing the PS3, the Best Buy employees see him tear up a bit and start to clap and cheer, as he makes the long walk to the register lines. A few employees give him a high five as he passes them, and one slyly hand him a tissue to dry his eyes. Then, the magical moment happens as he resides in the #1 spot in line, and he hears those magical words, “I can help you right over here, sir”. It is almost like approaching the President, Angelina Jolie, or both. The man leaves changed forever, or at least until the credit card bill arrives.

20120921_iPhone_5_gallery_001_610x426Men are hunters. They know precisely what they are after. They find it, purchase it, and display it proudly for others to admire.

Women shop much differently than Men.

menwomenshoppingWomen seem to consider purchases prior to making them. They talk to their friends about them, “I’m going to buy that cute leather jacket with the faux fur,” looking around to see the nods of approval.

However, when they enter said store, something strange happens – all the preparation gets wiped from their brains like in “Men in Black”.

They forget what they wanted, and become aimless wanderers in a sea of options. Maybe its the air curtains in the door, or maybe the mechanism that automatically opens the door. Not sure really.

I’ve seen women, brilliant women, that know so much about so many things become so – unsure of anything. As a matter of fact, sometimes they become zombie-like. If a couple is shopping for a baby shower gift, the the guy can walk up and say to her, “How’s it going? The baby will be in High School if you you don’t buy something pretty quick,” the response is a very vague, “Uh Huh”. That response is because the woman is caught in some weird universe know as Shopperia Major. It’s a place where their mind is shown so many options, that it blanks out and go from one side of the area to another looking for, No One Knows What.

Sure, a man can (try and move the process along and) say;

“That’s a great blouse/pair of shoes/travel mug, etc. honey.”

“Really? You like it?”

“Yes, I really do,”

and then it goes back on the rack, and the cute zombie you came with wanders off to not choose something else for another 20 minutes.

To be continued next week…

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What Summer 2013 Movies are you Most Excited About Seeing? Take our Poll

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Summer is a great time to escape the heat and watch a great (and sometimes not so great) movie in the theater. There are a lot of choices during the rest of the summer of 2013;

After Earth (5/31)
Now You See Me (5/31)
The Purge (6/7)
The Internship (6/7)
Much Ado About Nothing (6/7)
This is The End (6/12)
Man of Steel (6/14)
World War Z (6/12)
Despicable Me 2 (7/3)
Lone Ranger (7/3)
R.I.P.D. (7/19)
Disney’s Planes (8/9)
Elysium (8/9)
Kick Ass 2 (8/16)

Please take our poll below and choose the movie(s) you are the most excited about seeing in the Summer of 2013.


How To Increase Chances of Winning Radio/TV Contests and Not Have to Listen to The Radio The Whole Day – Not So Dumb Tip

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Everyone wants to win contests, but you normally can’t listen to a certain radio station all day to get the “Winning Word” then call in at a certain time or song. What if life happens and you miss the word, or don’t know the song to listen for to call in? It makes you not want to try to win, but keep reading, help is on the way.

Border Listen to Win

or let’s say that you are watching a TV show to write down all the daily “Winning Words” to win a contest. What if you miss watching for a day or two? It makes you get cynical and give up on even trying, but buck up ‘lil camper we have help from lots of other people who want to help you out.

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