I have a large bladder and that means I have one job at the movies. Guess what it is.

I like going to the movies. Sometimes I go with my lovely wife

photo

other times I go with a larger group.

newwd10132

I’ve noticed that I have been given a few gifts;

I can wiggle my ears,
I can mimic voices, and
I have a big bladder.

So, because of the bladder thing I have one job at the movies – The Seat Saver. I annoy Sammie, so let’s let her get it off her chest, then I will continue.

FYI – Sammie says the “B” word twice and pronounced Hair as “Her”.

So, since everyone else has stock bladders and I must have gotten the bladder upgrade, I save seats. So what? You say. Well, I invite you to come along when we see movies on the opening night or opening weekend.

Here are some ways I suggest saving seats;

1. Bring a ventriloquist dummy and put on an act;

Person wanting one of the seats I am saving: You saving those seats?
Dummy: You talking to me?
Person wanting one of the seats I am saving: No, the other dummy. Are you saving those seats?
Me: I’m not, the other dummy is, ask him,
this goes on for awhile…

2. Wear a T-shirt that says “Yes, I’m saving these seats for a group of Hell’s Angels that just quit smoking and caffeine yesterday.”
3. Drape “Awake” and “Watchtower” magazines over the seats you are saving, and if someone removes one of the magazines say, “Your address please?”
4. Wear a T-shirt that says “I have taken a 10 year vow of silence until this movie starts”
5. If you are lucky enough to have one other person from the group stay with you. You wear a T-shirt that says, “Got IBS“, then the other person in your group sitting next to you wears a T-shirt that says, “He does (with an arrow pointing to you)” and they have a clothespin on their nose.

What are some other fun ways that you have saved seats at the movie theater on opening weekend for a film?

Please leave a comment and subscribe to our dumb blog.

Pippa Middleton’s Style – is nothing without me

I’ve always been a Pippa fan. I think both sides of her are cute, and I always root for the one who isn’t going to rule England one day (I figure she needs it).

I was lucky enough to attend the royal wedding (You know, the one when her sister got married), a guest of Mr. P. Shop.

I had quite a bit of Botox that morning so I had a very strange look on my face, but I heard that hats were very important to the Brits, so I brought one.

jeffattheroyalwedding

It seemed that Pippa took a shine to me and thought I was the Earl of something and asked me to pose for pictures with her and some red headed guy. She blushed when she read the sign I made for her.

pippaandharryandjeffadnew

It’s a shame that the royal guards “escorted” me out so quickly after the photos. I told them I could quote almost the entire “Monty Python and The Holy Grail,” but it didn’t do any good. Just for that, I’m returning my Mr. Bean DVD Collection and I will continue to push my “It’s DOWNTOWN, not Downton Abby” petition to 500 signatures. You’ll see!

Happy Mother’s Day to Mothers from Dumb Guys everywhere!

I’ve already called and wished my very understanding Mother a Happy Mother’s Day, so I also wanted to wish another random Mother a Happy Mother’s Day, too.

Again, totally at random…

AngelinaJolie6sm

Angie, may I call you Angie? Happy Mother’s Day.

Also, a little Mother’s Day chuckle from a classic film.

mrs-bates02hmd

Seriously, let your Mom know how special she is. Thanks for reading!

Why do Women Wear Sparkly Shoes to Workout?

Working Out is important, but not fun – like doing your taxes, getting a physical, or taking college classes (and trying to get good grades).

Men are all about getting there. Men will only go and workout if;
1. The weather is good enough (Not too hot or too cold),
2. There’s isn’t alot of traffic on the roads,
3. He can find a *good* parking space at the gym parking lot,
4. The cute gal is working at the juice bar,
5. He can find an eye-level locker,
6. He can find an open treadmill next to the water fountain,
you get the idea.

woman-working-out

Women and working out takes on a whole new level of must haves. To go work out, the lady must have;
1. The *right* Work Out shoes, which must *go* with
2. The matching Work Out outfit with
3. The matching Water Bottle with
4. The matching earbud cords with
5. The matching bag to carry it all in.

Don’t believe that they think like this? Take it away Glamorous Gaby 1!!!

Moments that stand out;
“Yoga pants provide “cute coverage”” What’s cute coverage?? I thought it was Kristen Bell with a mic and camera on the Oscar Red Carpet. Besides, men are usually against coverage of cute. Ya know.
A “popping print” headband. Guys would reach for a Rambo rambonew or Keith Richards KeithRichardslifestory headband. No popping print, just a place to soak up the sweat (if there is an open treadmill, of course).
Gals wear earrings to work out? Earrings?
Great tip about the water, btw. Thanks.
“Sparkly” Tennis Shoes. Is this a “Twilight” thing?
“Low Key” Workout Outfit??? Now you’re talking. I’ll just wear my U2 Joshua Tree shirt OO121, Chucks Converse1970sChuckTaylorAllStar03 and Big ‘ol shorts down to my knees with a thousand pockets on em bigshorts to do my “low key” workout (Which includes relaxation (Latin for a nap)) oIIbMLa and focusing my Chi on my Xbox360 h81C68CDF.
“I knotted up a loose tank to make the outfit look ‘effortless'” Well, guys are the kings of making outfits look effortless, without the knotted tank.
“The knot I made on the side is a “90’s” knot” 90’s knot??? Where is this list of decade knots? I’ll bet a 60’s knot is real crazy.
I don’t know what a “cute sweatshirt” is. Now unless it’s 20 below, I’m a no-sweatshirt kinda guy.
Spandex, ahh! Now, you’re talking. Don’t judge, but for us ‘hefty’ guys, spandex boxer shorts are great for us bigger gents walking (No chaffing). I took all cotton boxer to Walt Disney World one time and almost died. Spandex boxers, that’s the ticket gents.

Thanks Gaby for giving us guys a glimpse into what women go through to get dressed up and go workout.

Guys get dressed in clothes that fit, and if it goes together, its a miracle.

guyworkout

This is the goofiest Mick Jagger video – ever. Let’s Work – out! Lose weight and kill poverty, right Mick?

So, guys or ladies, what are your thoughts on getting dressed up to work out?

I Do Not Like that Muskrat Love song (but I always listen to it EVERYTIME)!

There are songs that you don’t like, but for some reason they are like the newest “In Search of Nessie/Big Foot/A Really Good Star Wars Video Game” show, you get hooked and can’t walk away.

chewie

Muskrat Love is one of those things. I haven’t taken the time to see if songs about animal love are even legal, but I will keep listening and take the risk of PETA coming to my house (hopefully they send pretty ladies directly after a photo shoot).

So, I was on http://grooveshark.com (It’s like youtube for music) and then it happened, I typed M-U-S-K-R-A-T L-O-V-E and there it was. Ny audio nemesis – Muskrat Love

muskrat-love-300x198

Muskrat Love by Captain & Tennille on Grooveshark

recorded by a duo that created some of the catchiest pop/synth songs in the 70’s, Captain (Not a real Captain. I think he found the hat on sale, or something) and Tennille.

CaptainAndTenille-SongOfJoyFrontCover

Now, if that was the only version, that would be bad enough, but the cooly cruel Grooveshark drags you deeper into its web of awful (ly good) 70’s novelty hits. C&T weren;t the first to record this Amorous Ondatra song, here is the original by Willis Alan Ramsey

Continue reading

Getting Ready to Go Somewhere; Men .vs Women

I love Women (especially my lovely, very, very, very understanding wife), but there is a huge difference between how long it takes a guy to get ready, compared to a gal.

Let’s say it’s a dinner for an elderly family member’s birthday. The guy feverishly searches through the mysterious mound at the bottom of the closet of; shirts that don’t fit anymore, MC Hammer pants mchammerpants and two different kinds of flip flops to reveal “The Really Good Shoes”. The guy feels like Indiana Jones Indiana-Jones discovering a lost treasure, then spies a Motely Crue headband motley+crue he wore to the concert he took Ellen “Best Cherry Stem Tie-r in the whole school” cherrystem Smith to. His mind goes back to High School and all the fun he had.

“Are you ready to go, honey?” The voice of a woman running around breaks him from his day dreaming, “Yes,” he says. “You’d better be. We don’t want to be late!” Annoyed, he responds “Alright!”

Continue reading

A Dumb Guy Reviews (1997) Titanic

dumb men review cf

Today’s Chick Flick I will review is (1997) Titanic.

Short review: The most awesome first date goes terribly wrong.

Long review: So, the guy from Inception (much younger this time)

leo

and the gal with a big hat

bighat

meet on The Titanic.

He is poor, she is rich, but he has a plan – he is an artist. More on that later.

So, bighat has a mean boyfriend, the actor dude from Tombstone

TITANIC 3D

So, Inception guy pulls the great “I’d like to draw you,” and she says, “Sure, if I can just wear my really expensive necklace”.

Kate-winslet_titanic_movie_pencil-drawing

The Inception guy is one lucky dude, except that Captain Obi Wan didn’t know that the ship would hit an iceberg.

titanic2obiwan

Continue reading

Shoes – Part 1

Men and Women view shoes differently. Women own lots and lots of shoes.

christinashoecloset

When a shoe closet has its own;
Zip Code,
Bathroom, and
Search and Rescue Team – there is a problem

Now, Men love Women in stylish (That’s Latin for High Heel) shoes. Here is how Men dream of the TSA at the airport…

ukrainian_army

Men would fly so much more and hide all kinds of water bottles all over. Anyway, back to shoes.

Normally, Men only own a few types of shoes;
Tennis Shoes (Funny, Men own these type of shoes but never play tennis.)
Work Out Shoes (See comment above and insert Work Out for Tennis)
One Flip Flop (Where the other one is a mystery, until you move – or your significant other makes you clean up your bedroom, then you find 2 more. The mystery never ends…)
Work Shoes
Church Shoes (These should be Hole-y, though. See what I did there. :pause: Okay, let’s move on then.)
Shoes you paint in (These used to be your Tennis or Work Out Shoes, but now they look like they’ve been in a Tug of War with a Pit Bull and The Alien from “Alien”.

alienanim

Weird shoes (You don’t know why Men own them, they just do)

Continue reading